This shows the Early History of the world according to Pastafarianism.
The Five Days[edit | edit source]
- Main article: The Five Days
On the first day, the Flying Spaghetti Monster separated the water from the heavens. On the second -- because He could not tread water for long and had grown tired of flying -- He created the land and complemented it with a Beer Volcano. Satisfied, the Flying Spaghetti Monster overindulged in beer from the Beer Volcano and woke up hungover. Between drunken nights and clumsy afternoons, the Flying Spaghetti Monster produced seas and land (for a second time, because He forgot that He created it the day before) along with Heaven and a midget, which He named Man. Man and an equally short woman lived happily in the Olive Garden of Eden for some time until the Flying Spaghetti Monster caused a global flood in a cooking accident. (While emptying His Holy Pasta Pot of water, He did not pay attention to where this water was going.)
Timeline[edit | edit source]
- 1/1/5000BFSM- The First Day Appears. The FSM creates large balls of flaming gas, which accidentally leak water, creating figment. It was pretty weird for the stars to be immersed in the cum, so the FSM separated them and created vast galaxies and cum stuff.
- 1/2/5000BFSM- The Second Day Appears. The FSM creates firmament, which He renames "Semen", since "cum-ho!" didn't sound as good as "semen-ho!" The FSM then created a volcano from which spewed forth beer and gets incredibly drunk and passes out.
- 1/3/5000BFSM- The Third Day Appears. Somewhere in the Semen Ocean, the FSM was quite horny, and forgot what He had created the previous day, and created new semen, which He named "Ejaculation." He separated Land, which was renamed Heaven, from Earth, and then decided to move the Beer Volcano from Earth to Heaven, and the Indian Ocean from Heaven to Earth. He then grew lush jungles of Rice, Grass, Semolina and Ferns on Earth.
- 1/4/5000BFSM- The Fourth Day Appears. You Get The Idea. The FSM created more stars including the sun and moon.
- 1/5/5000BFSM- The Big Bang happened. While inebriated(yet again), the FSM created a Stripper Factory, which He moved to Heaven. He also created a tree, mountains, and a midget. It is important to note that the FSM later doubted the wisdom of creating said midget, and was either careless, drunk, high, or all three when laying down the foundations for life as we know it.
Aftermath[edit | edit source]
Creation clearly produced mixed results. In other religions, this is ascribed to the Creator God(s) being temperamental, having unclear goals, or being just not very good at this sort of thing. In Pastafarianism, the FSM's theodicy is a simple consideration of which parts of the universe were created when the FSM was hungover, bleary, day-drinking, sexually frustrated, drunk, binge drinking, blackout drunk, befuddled to the point of screaming/vomiting, or all of these simultaneously(He has ways). The FSM's blackouts and drunken fumbling do not actually diminish His omniscience and omnipotence; the resolution of this apparent paradox is obvious, although only in states of appropriately advanced intoxication. In short: He was drunk, and so sometimes you need to be too.